I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.
-Sonnet XI, Pablo Neruda
So…every time I am amongst friends and we have a few drinks the inevitable happens and we begin talking about sex, our turn-ons, turn-offs, etc. While we all may be into different things — one topic where I always seem to be left alone is on the topic of blood. Nothing to me is sexier than to be so raw with animalistic passion, to want to devour every single savory inch of your lover, including the essence of what keeps them alive…the blood flowing through their veins. Fingernails digging in/scratching the skin, a bite that may be a little too hard resulting in the trickling* of the blood that is now on my lips, my tongue, then swallowed straight inside to the core of me… very erotic…
I have tried to communicate this at dinners, parties with my social group and I am met with blank stares… But one search through Google and I see I am not alone in my views on this…When I am in love, I feel violent in my passion for my lover…Mixed in with the mutual trust and admiration, I see no harm in tasting the sweetness of their life’s essence and vice versa…
I love the above poem by Neruda, I think it so adequately describes that feeling we have inside when we are so crazy and intense because of the sheer lust we have for the other person…We truly revert back to our primal instincts hunting, eyes fixated -pupils dilated onto our lover’s body …before we completely and totally ravage them…
*I must note -I do mean a trickle, I am not an extremist ;) Some true fetishes are a little much… even for me…
Anyway…now for the music.
I’ve loved this song for years — I think it is primal sounding and appropriate ;)
It’s Alpha – Firefly (Receiver Mix). Most people (including me) got this song through Limewire under the title – Portishead – Music to F**k to… Not Portishead obviously…
Halcyon days
Pine the roadways
Got to let you know
And I walk the way the wind blows
Softly in clouds of envy
I see those eyes
Fireflies in time
Don’t ask for anything more
There’s no room in my life
I may come back and edit this with another song selection ;)
At night sometimes I just lay here and grind my teeth feeling this powerful intense surge of hateness. But I know it’s not hate — it is this mad feverish form of love disguised as hate. It’s much too angry and much too big to feel like gentle, innocent, soft vulnerable love. But that’s what it is, underneath it all…
“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”
Attachments are really our attempt to feel secure.
The consciousness of a person who cannot transcend
the lower levels of the heart center
of attachment and possession
will always alternate between pleasure and pain…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of loving without possession and if it is truly possible. I believe it is. I think, either through your own spiritual/emotional growth or some kind of life-altering event, you start to look at love, and relationships a little bit differently than you have in the past. I’ve had lots of alone time to just think of previous experiences, things I’ve done and said, a specific time and chain of events, etc. It’s led me to the conclusion that I have acted and thought about things in a really selfish way. It’s crazy what I am about to write because I never thought I’d think this way but…
Why can’t I let someone who is madly in love with me be in love with another? I mean :shrugs: if the feelings are genuine – then well, it is what it is. As long as there is honesty, openness, communication and a willingness for both people to still work things out — then who’s to say it won’t be fulfilling? I can still feel special and loved unconditionally/deeply without being the only one receiving that kind of love from the person. It isn’t as if the heart’s capacity to love is maxed out at a certain point-I think that is a very narrow view. Why would I put someone who I honestly love with all of me in the position to choose from two options they don’t want to let go of? It would then be MY choice to step away if I couldn’t deal. If I still want to give my heart to the person, then well, I should, regardless of circumstance.
I think so many relationships fail because one person forces another (or themselves) into this perfect box (as dictated by society mainly) they are supposed to perfectly fit into. If they can’t fit — then we try to do whatever we can to make sure they do fit and if after all that they still don’t– we get fed up and leave, resenting them. That isn’t fair. What if the person is only molding into this pre-conceived, pre-built notion you have of who they should be (for you) because they are either holding things back or not being themselves fully? Why would you want that? I don’t… I never want to force someone to love me, and I don’t want someone to love me but at the cost of having to give up so many of their other desires, wishes, dreams, hopes, etc. If they are doing that – it is to make me happy and I don’t want to love someone because they are making me happy! Happiness is my own responsibility and happiness is shared – not given/taken. I love because I love – not because of the rewards I may get for loving.
Yes, love is about sacrifice, but not the sacrifice(s) someone feels they MUST/SHOULD make in order to KEEP you. If someone is loving you but is still wanting things (or another) and your love won’t ever be able to allow them these things — then, they aren’t loving you completely anyway. Partially because they won’t feel they can even communicate this with you. Do they really want to give these things up – or do they because of the fear of losing you? If that person shares these wants/desires– and you shun them, you aren’t loving them completely either. You are loving the part of them that only wants YOU. The parts that only coincide with what makes YOU happy. That again, is selfish.
I think once you see a loved one as a blessing in your life — not a trophy or possession – that is when you’ll truly feel free. Yes, one day they may decide to get up and leave…go in a different direction, but why harp on what may happen in the future? It ruins the beauty of the day, the moment in time. I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now and think back to this time and wonder what could have been if I only focused on the truths that were slapping me right in the face. Wondering what would have happened if I just experienced things for what they are. Not worry about what will happen tomorrow or years from now, because no matter what – there is no way you can predict or perfectly plan the future. No matter how tightly you think you are holding onto someone, they can always find a way to break free.
Jealousy comes from feeling that another is your possession and the insecurity that you won’t be able to keep them tied to you. No matter what that person tells you, what experiences/memories you have together – there is always the possibility for them to open up to another person. Worrying compulsively about this will just cause you to be paranoid, moody, distrusting and ultimately push your loved one away. I don’t want my lover to feel they need to hide things from me… I want to be understood, and for them to feel I understand them. That I will be open to at least listening to what they have to say, especially regarding their feelings. No it won’t always be easy – and no I won’t always be so Zen-like about it, but at least they’ll know deep down – that I won’t simply walk away or judge them after they share with me. Communication is crucial, but you have to be able to say and hear EVERYTHING. Not just pick and choose the parts that are convenient. Everything that is held in, after all, causes pain to manifest.
I want to love without possession because I think that truly is what pure/clean love is. I don’t own you, you don’t own me. We are both equally aware that we are loving one another without the fear of losing. If we are meant to be together forever, we will be. If we are only meant to share a beautiful fulfilling loving relationship for a few years, then, I want to experience that too. We only have one life to live after all.
We are complex individuals, with a whole range of emotions and feelings. How can we possibly ever think there are only two choices to every major decision? If we open our minds beyond the black and white thinking we often fall into when in love — the possibilities can be endless. Maybe it’s the wine talking, and maybe I’ll never be in a situation that causes me to step away from all the pre-conceived notions I ever had about love again BUT…for now…this is how I feel. Now just to get others to be as open as I… ;)
The only thing worth getting attached to is truth.
This is the only security, the only peace,
the only insurance in life we may know.
All suffering ends in truth.
I’m not sure if I have a perfect song for this post but…I heard this one on the train today and it made me tear up. I don’t like feeling like I need to abandon all the desires, dreams, hopes I once had. So…I’m not! There. Nobody can stop that or my heart…
I love the shape of the blade…The way it narrows down at the tip…The handle I am not that crazy about but I’m obsessed with the steel… I have always had an interest in collecting custom, unique knives but never started… I think this one may be my first ;) I find knives somewhat erotic, though I am aware many people will think that’s odd… While I don’t want to ramble on about this subject, I do believe knife play can be sexy (and you don’t need to break skin), when you have a lover whom you trust completely…
This topic gives me an excuse to include a song by one of my most favorite bands; The Knife.
Lights black; heads bang
You’re my drug
We live it
You’re drunk, you need it
Real love, I’ll give it
So we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts
You wasted your times
On my heart
You’ve burned
And if bridges gotta fall, then you’ll fall too…
I have loved this song ever since I was 18… First heard it watching Chasing Amy.
Enjoy
You don’t have to lie about where you’ve been.
We both know you’ve been screaming…
So why don’t you give your little voice a rest,
climb on up inside my bed, and just pretend you need me?
You don’t have to lie about what you know.
We both know I’ve been suffering…
And I don’t need to be your only one,
and I don’t need your comforting
I just need you with me.
She was your childhood friend
All your heart you gave her
And though the times have changed her
She will always be home
Losing yourself you did a good thing
Truth never hurt you did a good thing
In spite of yourself you did a good thing
Truth will be told you did a good thing
I’m still here
She was your childhood sweetheart
(So understand)
All of this trouble you feel
(Time can’t take her from you)
The time won’t take her from you
She’ll always be home
Losing yourself you did a good thing
Truth never hurt you did a good thing
In spite of yourself you did a good thing
Truth will be told you did a good thing
You did a good thing
And I’ll miss you for the longest time
Our lovely view was the best I’ve known
Tears on my face have fallen so
So long there can be no harder way…
Sometimes the way I feel about a song is the way I feel about a lover the first time you meet them and realize they are THE one or at least will be one of the top loves of your lives… It is this excitement -an electricity that surges through your body…This person comes to you at what seems to be the most perfect moment…despite what may be going on around you… That’s how I feel about this song as I re-discovered it today….
I have no delusions of grandeur, no dreams of becoming famous or well-known. My insomnia keeps me busy--both a curse and a blessing. I enjoy writing and putting my feelings to songs. So hope you enjoy reading and music. :)
